Game developers have been attempting to scare players for quite some time now – attaching exorbitant prices and insane system requirements to their titles is one of their more effective methods, in my experience. Nothing gives you the goosebumps worse than a 'Your system is not up to recommended specs!' reprimand, especially since you know that the wretched program has already magically updated its central database of your condition and now all of them are sitting and laughing at your inadequacy.

Concerning scares of the more traditional sort, gaming has been more kind. The trend that oldies like Doom, Blood and Alone in the Dark kicked off is still alive. Hell, it's even spawned a whole genre of survival horror games, all of which are destined to be made into bad movies. Nowadays, we have a healthy bit of experimentation going on. F.E.A.R did a good job combining Ringu-style 'little girl horror' with crazy firefights against squad-based opponents. Fatal Frame brought in a great shutterbug concept where you had to take close-up pictures of the ghosts to kill them before they did you in. Doom 3, well, just made us scared that we might actually be John Romero's bitch.

So how does Condemned get to work being all eldritch, you ask? To start with, it puts you in the shoes of one Doubtin'...sorry, Ethan Thomas, an FBI field agent who's working a serial killer case when all kinds of crazy shit goes down. Turns out that the suspect is a sort of meta-serial killer...a serial killer of serial killers! I don't mean that in a 'champion of champions' kind of way – I'm saying this guy is going out serially killing serial killers, and what's more, doing it in the signature style that each of those killers is known for. At this point, I can hear voices go, “What wicked irony! Why does this fool Thomas have to get in the way?” Ok, that's actually my voice. Well, to answer myself – if he didn't, then we wouldn't have a brutal first person thumper, and would have to settle for an FBI desk job simulation (which I assume involves playing lots of Solitaire). Anyway, before long, thanks to a spooky series of events, Thomas is on the run from the Bureau, still chasing the killer, with some assistance from some convenient acquaintances.

Now where it differs from your regular shooter is...there's barely any shooting. Firearms are few and far between, and even if you manage to find one, there's no concept of reloading. Once you use up all the ammo that was in the piece, it's pretty much a paperweight. That brings me to the core of the game – the wonderful world of melee. Your psychotic level companions have no qualms about grabbing whatever they can from the environment – pipes, signboards, 2x4s, iron bars, and a whole other bunch of nasty shit – and bashing your head in with it. Following suit and doing some skull sculpture of your own is generally recommended. Don't think it's just mindless bludgeoning, though – there's an art to it. You'll have to get a feel for the speed and damage of your weapon of choice, learn how to read and block enemy attacks and also exercise judicious use of your almighty taser. It's like fencing...with random shit. An art, I tell ya.